have you ever wondered where your thoughts come from?
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NO SUN NO SON
stained brain dead face blackened thoughts (thaw and rot)
frozen obscure covered in frost (thaw and rot)
power lack there of segregation (thaw and rot)
a machine with potential call it what you will
surrounded by these similar broken hearts
and these machines that swallow time
grow child and yield to life as succession departs
staying close to death life's mortal decline
anxiety pins and needles name the cliche (thaw and rot)
diagnose the disease watch me bleed but don't pray (thaw and rot)
i've read minds i hear prayers (thaw and rot)
but i'm having trouble reading my own so leave me alone.
the cavity of possession the useless shrine
the cruelty of thought the power of mind
the poison of religion abuse of the divine
death to humanity worthless and sublime
call it what ever you want
my rituals of self preservation
denial through a failed state
or apathetic exhaustion
my distorted values of self worth are as filthy as yours
but i can word them creatively enough
loop holes for words loop holes for wrists
tied to fit tight but set free the hypocrtites
so i'm laying down my crippled hands
against the grain of gnashing teeth
these hands that never saw war
these hands that never raised young
these hands and a mask, disguised
disgusted and defined.
responsible for etching names in stone
digging graves for thousands
setting fire to homes
carving the ivory for jesus' bones
i'm walking the path
i'm never waking up.
(i am a product of a catholic upbringing. when i was young, i accepted the catholic standard of god. then shortly after i rejected it. i'm uncomfortable with the futile human understanding of something we could not possibly comprehend. i'm uncomfortable with the imagery and nomenclature humans have created trying to depict and describe the indescribable. I believe in death. i reject the idea of metaphoric soul real estate. i've written about religion most of my life. again, in a pathetic attempt to try and understand. inversely i have emulated the unattractive characteristics associated with certain religions by preaching my beliefs to others. black and white no longer exists. there is only grey from now on. i take responsibility for my species errors. i want to live inside my own head. i want to live. and then i want to die.)
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POSSESSIONS
extravagant indulgence of each mind's discerning tastes
its why we wallow in our excess and complain about the waste
depressed our needs stay unconcerned we're so obsessed with wealth
coveting the human face we separate from self
we're dreaming of a new language we're chasing a useless chase
we're bowing down to man a promised step refused to take
these humans often asking questions chasing points into the sky
a constant breathing chasing losing beating so afriad to (die)
a prophecy through grinding teeth burning brightly underneath
desired actions unattained unfufilled dead disdain
forged with the hands broken skin seeping from the ground again
so where's my throne? where's my gain? where's my grave?
a shedding pulse illusion:time we fill the void with death
we're yet to learn to live because we're scared to take a breath
taught to burn as fuel inside a dying, fucked machine
washing away the guilt watching the drain swallow our dreams
its a constant unbalance
i've got this iron mind
but my anticipation
is ruining me
i'm forgetting to breathe...
always forgetting to breathe
my body wants what it cant have
what my iron mind wont give
i refuse to forget the motions
breathing in uncomfortable skin
setting my iron mind
against itself
forgetting to breathe
my anticipation
(the television lulls you to sleep. the radio plays in the background while you work. the ads in the magazines and newspapers making up for over 50% of the printed material. we are being subjected to advertising terrorism. we are young billboards vying to fill the emptiness in our dull lives made apparent by the people selling us the exciting new cure. we deal with loss and depression by consuming. the new standard of bettering ourselves is buying toxic plastic garbage to make ourselves feel good. because truly getting to know yourself is too hard. so our lives become excess. who we are, depends on what we own. your stance is not yours, it was culminated from years of influence, moral conundrums growing like tumors being healed by the easy way out. we dont have to work hard to be happy. we just need to have money and nice possessions. the earth is dying. we're killing it. but we know that, because we watch it on a giant flat screen TV sitting on our cheaply made swedish furniture wearing our sweatshop sewn clothing. i will never claim to not be a part of this, i'm aware of my motions and my wrongs. i'm aware that it is becoming unavoidable to exist without supporting something corrupt secretly running in the background of every action we make. most humans are too greedy and oblivious to understand the big picture. but i see it, i hear it loud and clear. we dont deserve this planet. and i hope i'm alive long enough to burn down with it. i deserve it. i accept it. )
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SHELLS
it wants to speak
i want to sleep
it wants to excrete
i want to eat
it wants to compete
i'm incomplete
it wants to die
i want to be
i want to be
a broken back from working
fingers bled down to the bone.
now at home, open the door
but noone else is home.
its cluttered on the inside
but not enough to fill the void
the silence is just the perfect thing
to keep from feeling annoyed
inside this rusted skeleton, a heart made of ash
(dead inside dead inside)
cold hands on the metal dead face behind the glass
(dead inside dead inside)
waiting for the moment like a hammer and nail
(dead inside dead inside)
holes in my hands
and i cant i cant i cant i fail, i fail.
not awake or sleeping
just staring through blank screens
absolutely listless
the bottom of extremes
lost inside her own head
lost inside depressed
lost inside a defected mind
but this living life is blessed.
inside this rusted skeleton, a heart made of ash
(dead inside dead inside)
cold hands on the metal dead face behind the glass
(dead inside dead inside)
waiting for the moment like a hammer and nail
(dead inside dead inside)
holes in my hands
and i cant i cant i cant i fail, i fail.
fail
fail
fail
holes in my hands
grasping at sand
dead.
dead.
dead.
("the manic restlessness for days on end were the best days of her life or so she said. there was something living vicariously through her which she could not explain something that was controlling her with racing thoughts and movements. she was living in absolute manic bliss. and then the depression came crashing down on her. it almost killed her. she was motionless and brain dead. laying in bed with her jacket on, on top of the covers for a week. when she finally gained the strength to call, the doctor paired the shock treatments and the medication hand in hand. and in the end she did get better. but she wasn't herself. she was someone else. a shell of her former self. i remember,all of this and really none of this matters. because she'll always be my mother and i will always love her." )
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HUBRIS
terminal decay
yeilding to dead convictions
we are cemented into place
we are where we are
a living contradiction
we are where we are
because we are
living through the shrine of a miscarrage
(we bear the right to self medicate)
obsessively hoarding garbage
(we abuse the right to self medicate)
preening mutated genetics
(we bear the right to self medicate)
addicted to violent pornography
(we abuse the right to self medicate)
i opened my wallet today and god's face wasnt staring back at me.
its the absence of warmth and the absence of truth
its beating the love out of curious youth
its the famous find in the winds of change
where these thoughts and actions reaarange
i'm a waste of time caught up with myself and lost inside my mind
you're the floating distraction that digs paths for me to take
broken trails with cold dead ends a maze made of mistakes
a temper dealt with shaking hands
sitting with you defeated on this broken path
your increments are chipped off and fed to an ever starving pride
leaving hungry, the heart weak beating, dying dead inside
i need to taste your filthy hands and know why you're better than me
i need to know why i share a road with a rejected visionary
why you're better than me.... ( i love you laughton)
i cant
i wont cope
(they subscribe to a nazi state of mind and truly believe they are superior to others. they are all around us. they tell us why we are shit. why they are elite. subtleties aside. they are the people we interact with every day. they are friends, acquaintances, enemies, family members and strangers all of whom have narrow views of acceptance. these people are so worried about how everyone else expresses themselves that they forget they have their own disgusting vessel to corrupt with petty ideas and skewed logic. hypocrites united standing strong. condemning people based on what they see on the exterior without even scraping the surface of the being. i've followed people like this. i've trusted in their words and judgements. i'm ashamed of the times in my past where i've bought into someone else's actions or ideas because it was the popular thing to do. but now, to get under someone else's skin just by being an individual, is beautiful. showing them without even doing anything how ugly and insecure they truly are. the less time you spend thinking about how other people are ruining their lives the more time you will have to ruin your own. )
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